When I was single, I used to dream about finding my soulmate – as any red-blooded man or woman would. But, more than that, I used to imagine how nice it would be to have someone to sleep next to.

Now don’t get me wrong… I loved being able to sleep in the middle of my queen-sized bed, surrounded by pillows with enough space to make snow angels and roll around to my heart’s content. But, sometimes, it was a little cold and lonely and I couldn’t help thinking how delightful it would be to have someone to snuggle. Not to mention that it would be extremely comforting to have a bedfellow when things went bump on certain dark, eerie nights.

And then I finally found my husband and my nights of sleeping alone were over. That empty space beside me was suddenly occupied and the cold was replaced by warmth. There are good night kisses, cosy cuddles and someone to cling to when the dark causes disquiet. What more could you want?

But sharing a bed comes with a price that you don’t consider when you’re sleeping alone. As romantic as it all sounds to sleep next to your soulmate, nothing can prepare you for the shock that shoots through you the first time your beloved pushes you out of the bed! It’s not pretty! And the worst part is your partner is completely oblivious to the offence they’ve just caused, because – conveniently – they are asleep.

And then there’s the blanket stealing and the eternal tug of war between two people vying to stay warm. The duvet on our bed literally rotates in an anticlockwise fashion at nighttime. It’s the most bizarre thing and, at first, I couldn’t figure out what was going on. However, I eventually realised that my husband was pulling the duvet across the bottom of the bed and then up to his face. In turn, I was pulling it across from his side of the bed and back down to my feet. And the reason I discovered this was because my poor feet were the victims in all this, as they were constantly left out in the cold! I was not impressed!

Yes, sharing a bed is not for sissies. You can get kicked, elbowed, poked, slapped, shoved and potentially even steamrolled and squashed (especially if you are the smaller partner). And don’t forget about all the other annoying noises and habits you could be subjected to. There are people who grind their teeth, snore like freight trains, talk in their sleep, sleepwalk and silently release poisonous gases into the supposed sanctuary of the sheets.

And, apparently, the older you get, the worse all this becomes, which I assume is why so many old couples sleep in separate beds. Can you blame them when their mental and physical health is threatened by the mere proximity of their partner and they are too tired and frail to withstand such insult and injury? After all, being shoved out of the bed will leave you bruised and smarted in your youth, but it could lead to a broken hip in your old age – and that’s no laughing matter.

The battlefield of the bed is fraught with challenges and minefields, thieves and thugs, and potential pain and injuries. It is the ultimate battle of the wills to see who will triumph over the elements and obtain the coveted duvet; who will gain and hold the most ground to enable freedom of movement; and who will enjoy a good night of undisturbed rest while the other person merely dreams about that mythical unicorn in fitful intervals of sleep.

So, next time you see a couple sweetly saying good night to each other, remember that after all the romantic notions of kisses and cuddles, a sleeping skirmish is going to ensue. There’s a reason they say that all is fair in love and war. Because when the lights go out, there’s no ceasefire between unconscious partners on the battlefield of the bed.

© 2020 Audrey Whyte   All Rights Reserved