I’ve never really been a fan of birds. Yes, they are very pretty and the way they build nests is quite ingenious, but you won’t find me with a bird book in hand and a pair of binoculars running around bird-watching. And, don’t even bother pointing out a bird and asking me if it’s a crested barbet or a lark, because I honestly couldn’t say. When it comes to birds, I can tell you the difference between a penguin, a flamingo, an owl and a parrot. However, if you want to know the names of any of the thousands of smaller birds living in the wild, you would have better luck asking an elephant than you would asking me.

Now, I don’t have a problem with birds in the wild. As long as they are outside doing their thing, I am happy to see and hear them from a distance. Yet, birds as pets – and ones that accidentally fly into your house – are another story.

I recently had an encounter with a bird that flew into my bedroom. I subsequently opened all the windows and curtains in the hope that it would find its way out. After several hours, I could no longer hear or see it, so I assumed it was gone. However, it reappeared from wherever it had been hiding at five o’clock the following morning and started pecking on my window. Now, let’s just say that I’m not a morning person and five o’clock is a little early for me, so I wasn’t too impressed. Not to mention that it’s kind of disturbing to be lying in bed with a bird flitting around your room. If your mind doesn’t immediately start picturing scenes from Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, you certainly can’t help worrying about any unpleasant bombs it may drop on you or your bedding – and I have a white duvet cover!

Not to mention that the bird in question was not very bright, as it seemed determined to peck away at a window that could not be opened, instead of taking the route to freedom that I had offered it.

Of course, not all birds are dumb. In fact, some are highly intelligent like my ex-boyfriend’s malicious African Grey called Paris. African Greys are said to be among the most intelligent bird species. I’ve also been told that they tend to favour one person and can even get jealous if they think you are trying to steal that person’s affections. Well, this couldn’t have been truer in Paris’ case.

That bird doted on his master. Yet, whenever he was let out of his cage, he would make a beeline across the floor, as fast as his little legs could carry him, straight to me and start pecking at my feet. I lived in perpetual fear when Paris was on the loose and I was constantly running away from him and sitting with my feet up on a chair. One time, he even got hold of a beach bag of mine and starting tearing it to shreds. He was a total terrorist – and I was completely terrorised by this tiny ball of grey fluff with his beady eyes and pointed beak. I’m not the type of person who is scared of many things, but I was scared of Paris – and he knew it.

On the few occasions when I actually had to look after this bird in my boyfriend’s absence, I found myself quite daunted by the task at hand. I was left with strict instructions to let Paris out of his cage from time to time, which was easy enough. It was getting him back into the cage that presented a problem. I would literally try to coax him back in there without touching him – and the only way I could do that was by enticing him with a tasty treat. Eventually, when the little ‘monster’ of the house was good and ready, he would climb back into his cage and I would quickly shut the door before he could turn around and peck me.

In all honesty, I tried to make friends with Paris – and I even talked to him nicely when he was safely locked in his cage – but I’m just not a bird person.

These days, the only kind of Paris I like is situated in France. Yes, birds are beautiful and I can understand why some people would find them fascinating, but I don’t need a bird showing me who’s the boss.

© 2017 Audrey Whyte   All Rights Reserved